For the girls.

For the boys.

Remember, ladies, you can keep up with those sexy Connell & Florence boys on the internet. Find Iain on Tumblr and Robert on Twitter.

Glad to see that people are still discovering the Burnistoun lift sketch. There are loads of versions of it up on YouTube and it’s now been viewed over two million times. We have been informed by both Google and Yahoo that this makes it the most viewed video in the history of the internet.

The Language Log have examined our lift sketch.

Robert’s latest Rock, Paper, Shotgun article is up.

A while ago we asked people if they had any questions about Burnistoun.

Here’s the Q&A.

Ross Foubister: Any word on a DVD or a live show?

Iain: The DVD is coming. We’d be well into doing a live show at some point.

Robert: We’re going to try to cram the DVD full of extras and good stuff. Lots of extra comedy.

Tony Ants McDonald: Can I be an extra for your next series? No Charge.

Iain: We’ve been secretly filming you for months anyway. We plan to use the footage in all kinds of sinister creepy ways.

Stephen Daly: ‎”2 litres of Justice” was sheer class. Anything that involves wee neds gettin skuded wi a bottle a ginger is why I pay my license fee.

Robert: That isn’t a question. So, I’ll answer this question – “Stephen Daly: Would you?” And my answer is “No.”

Ben Baker: Will the be any chance of a nationwide repeat of series one, do you know? Be a dreadful shame if not.

Iain: I can’t think of a good reason why it shouldn’t happen but I don’t know what the chances are. 50% chance give or take 50%.

Robert: It won’t happen, because George Bush doesn’t care about black people.

Eddie Guthrie: Where’s my part?

Robert: In your trousers.

James Walker: Can I have the very long trousers Iain wore during the fuckin’ hingmy sketch? My legs are getting too long for asking Clarkson for his trews.

Robert: Sorry, that was Iain’s da’s trousers.

Graham Anderson: Have ye got any rolls? C’mon man ye must have rolls its Saturday, have ye got any rolls?

Iain: We did that sketch in the hope that it would it would mean a daily supply of free filled rolls from all the popular bakers in the land. Since it’s been on? Not roll one.

Gary Henderson: Can I be in the new series please? God loves a tryer. Keep up the awesome work guys.

Robert: You’re a good man, Gary, but if you came onto the show, Kirsty and Louise would be all over you. Too distracting.

Paul Farrell: Any chance of a kenny cameo series 2?

Iain: We’re hoping to secure a deal for Kenny Dalglish to play the part of Denny Kalglish.

Robert: You won’t see Kenny, but you might see the band Cameo.

Jim Cleneghan: Where did the idea for the ice cream van guys come from? They actually remind me of two brothers I knew from school, they still hid a maw though.

Robert: Aye, it’s based on them.

Savannah Dalton: Will you make any use of the fact that Iain looks (and sounds) like he could be David Tennant’s brother? There’s a send-up in there somewhere.

Iain: A woman told me once that I looked like David Tennant and Robert went in a bad mood about it for a fortnight. It seemed to utterly sicken him. Looking like David Tennant actually cost me the chance to be the new Doctor Who. They told me I’d completely blown Matt Smith out the bath in the auditions but they didn’t want people thinking that the Doctor had regenerated into the same Doctor.

Robert: Does he fuck look like David Tennant. Neil Tennant more like.

Tim Gaskin: Does the real guy exist?

Robert: No.

Tim Gaskin: Would you consider getting any special guests on the show? Like anyone from chewin the fat, Frankie Boyle or Kevin Bridges?

Iain: We’d always consider working with people we like.

Robert: Indeed. Very special guests upcoming in Series 2.

Andrew Ross: please bring back the butcher i fucking love him!

Robert: Okay, we’ll bring back Richie Stroke, the Burnistoun Butcher.

Eddie Grant Jnr: The 2 girls that are always in the kelly M scenes along with kelly are so hot, i hope they are gonna be part of the 2nd series (SPRAY THAT OAN YE AND UP YE – AND I EMPHASIZE UP YE) fuckin genius guys

Iain: Mate, you should see them in the flesh. Sexy wee beasts. Watching them eating dreamboats is heavenly.

Robert: They’ll be playing me and Iain in Series 2.

Brian Paterson: A wiz in Burniston recently, its in Yaaarkshar so why does the butcher talk wae a glesga accent? is he loast

Iain: That’s the least of his worries.

Robert: Everybody who lives in that Yorkshire Burniston is a Yorkshire pie.

David Hopkinson: Will we see the return of the quiet dignity of Biscuity Boyle?

Iain: Ha ha. Quiet dignity. I’d think there is a good chance of it.

Amanda Craig: Where do you both get your ideas for the sketches? Experience?

Robert: Yes. Sexual experience.

Keir Harper: What are your writing methods like? Do you write together or separately? On a laptop, or strictly pen-and-paper?

Iain: We both have wet dreams every night. When we wake up in the morning we turn our pants inside-out and find that our juices have dried in the form of fully written sketches.

David Hopkinson: I would also like to see more of Dougie & Duggie Flapps’ Dug Flaps and Flat Caps, though I wonder if that’s realistic or sensible? Are some characters best suited to remain within one scene?

Iain: They might be back. Undecided on them. It’s nice when a character strikes a chord with people but if you don’t have a proper idea for another sketch you should just let them be.

Robert: I like that sketch, because I didn’t have to learn any lines, and just thought about women’s legs and long stripey socks for the duration.

Keir Harper: Do you ever corpse when filming?

Iain: Yes. You’ve got to have a bit of a laugh when you’re making comedy, I think.

Robert: I filmed a corpse once.

Martin Robertson: Is Kelly McGlade dead or did she do the Butcher in?

Robert: No-one survives the Burnistoun Butcher. She’s in a bin by now, in twenty pieces.

Martin Robertson: Will Wee Frankie still be bleeped on the DVD? I felt the bleeps actually severely impaired that f’kin sketch.

Iain: It definitely did, aye, but it’s pretty much impossible to get such a highly concentrated number of ‘fuckin’s’ onto the BBC. Logically though, a BGT sort of show would bleep the swearing anyway.

Scott Currie: Can ah huv a Mint Aero?

Iain: Isn’t it all my sweeties ANYHOW?!!!!!

Robert: The girl from the burger van sketch doesn’t want anyone eating her dog’s Aero Bubbles ANYWISE!

Zan Phee: One of my all time fav sketches is the graffiti on the stair well, who’s responsible for it? How did the penny drop? graffiti’s everywhere yet i’ve not seen a sketch similar. Congrats on your uniquely wired brain!

Robert: That sketch is actually based on the true story of Iain meeting his wife.

Paul Ewing: Hey guys, I live in Calderwood in East Kilbride, I recognized a lot of the areas in the scenes, the bottle of ginger sketch for example is Hazlehead park just up the road.Im just wondering, are any of you from EK, as it seems a lot of the sketches are filmed there?

Iain: I’ll be honest, I don’t know why EK was chosen. We just stagger out the car in the morning, scream our lines at one another, curl up in the foetal position and get taken back home in the ambulance.

Robert: Paul, it was chosen because it is a fucking dump. Only joking!

Christine Dick: Who has been your favourite character to play? And write for?

Robert: I loved playing Tarko the Badgerman, but it didn’t make it into the show. Too much nudity.

Thomas Kilpatrick: While on holiday in Iceland recently the Icelandic verion of ” KO magazine” suggested that there maybe jelousy between the Connell & Florance writing partnership. KO sited Florance is upset with Connell getting to do more on set love scenes with female cast members during the 1st season. Can you guys please clear up this controversial story as fact or fiction. Oh can i have a Burnistoun Butcher mug please?

Iain: Robert would have had more love scenes but he’s a self confessed ShyOfThePie-ist.

Robert: I’m doing a Tarko the Badgerman sketch in Series 2 that sees me shagging my way through an entire college class.

Adrian Guianan Miras: hi.. will kelly finally make it big in show business in the second series? i want kelly to fall in love with the butcher though and see what happens. but the butcher might decide to kill himself if he gets too much nagging from kelly.

Robert: You’re fucking mental. Only joking!

Claire Cochrane: Butcher McGlade – the b@st@rd lovechild of Kelly and the Burnistoun butcher could go around terrorising the place. Kinda like Chucky in uber Ned-mode….or like the mad swearing baby in The Acid House!!! Scary biscuits!

Iain: You’re scaring us with these notions.

Robert: This woman is actually a friend of mine, so I refuse to answer any questions because I might get myself into trouble.

Colin McClements: Personally, I would be in about Kelly McGlade in a heartbeat, but my question is this… Is she based on anyone in particular? An ex, perhaps? My ex, perhaps? (@theweeman7)

Robert: She was actually played by your ex, mate. Which was why we killed her off.

Fiona Fisher: We know about some of your influences and comedy that you like or are involved in, but is there shows or genres of comedy that you can’t abide? Some of the shows I dislike are like that “Sorry” “Clarence” ( even though I love Ronnie’s Corbe…and Barker normally) “keeping up appearances” as well as old school sexist stand up stuff like roy “chubby” brown. Who are your pet hates in comedy?

Iain: I love all of my comedy brothers and sisters. Even the evil ones that I hate.

Robert: There’s nothing I hate, really. I have to stand up for Keeping Up Appearances. I think it’s brilliant. I hate secret camera shows, to be honest. Comedy shows that victimise normal punters. So there’s something.

Martin Robertson: Balloon animals, guys. FUCKIN’ BALLOON ANIMALS! Oan the DVD. Please.

Iain: Glad you liked that one but we thought it seemed totally out of place.

Robert: Aye, Martin, we thought it was shite. I don’t know what you were thinking when you wrote it.

Martin Robertson: How did they do that video effect in the titles, shot at Hillfoot(?) Station? I see they nicked it for Sherlock.

Robert: There’s a wee ant that has trained as a Director of Photography. We were lucky enough to hire him for Burnistoun, but he’s moved onto bigger things now.

Colin McClements: Got another one now… With an abundance of Scottish comedians in history, who would you cite among your favourites and why? (past and present).

Iain: Billy Connolly. His best stuff made me laugh harder and louder than anybody else’s. And I mean across the board there, not just among Scottish comedians.

Robert: In terms of comedians being a huge influence – I loved The Two Ronnies, so Ronnie Corbett needs to get a mention here. And more recently, Armando Iannucci.

Thomas Glasgow: My question goes to Robert….. are you angry i’ve not got that picture from Starbucks uploaded yet? D: i swear i’m trying, just been really busy D: was on holiday, back now!

Iain: I’ll answer on his behalf. If an hour goes by without a new photo of Robert appearing in the papers or a showbiz website, blood pours from his ears and his eyes go that Incredible Hulk mid-change way.

David Spink: Any chance you could get Greg and Ford to make a guest apperance in a sketch? In the first series I was convinced they were going to appear as Jack & Victor when you were both getting older in the pub trying to chat up the girls! Keep up the good work. Oh, and have you got any rolls?

Robert: Would love to do more with either of those two guys down the line. They were very good to us. And no. Nae rolls.

BURNISTOUN SERIES 2 STARTS FILMING ON THE 8TH OF NOVEMBER

Since I posted the Stauner sketch the other day, I thought I’d post this wee selection of sketches that we wrote for Chewin’ The Fat. This is already in the About page but who ever looks at that?

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Here’s another sketch we wrote for Chewin’ The Fat. There’s a follow up to this that continues to build up the stauner situation but I can’t find it on YouTube.

Here are the posts that you have shamefully ignored in the month of August.

A Word Of Advice On Mouth Disguises

Where’s KFNFXY?

Help With Finding Phil Collins ‘Easy Lover’ Clothes

I Get Wet – Something To Do One Night

Biscuity Boyle: Sex Ed For Adults

Tinkered with the site so that you can see all of our videos and lots of Burnistoun stuff on the home page. It’s all in the one place now. Easy.

Something seems out of place here.

When God is reading out your list of sins at the Gates of Heaven, take a few casual steps away from Him and then sprint inside. By the time He looks up, your arse will be long gone.

Bury a dog shit in the sand and ask an unsuspecting friend to come stand beside you. Just as they are about to put their feet in it, dive head first into the shit and then jump up and kiss your friend on the lips. They fall for it every time!

We often get people finding our website by searching for ‘Messy Girls’. They probably leave with heavy hearts because we’re just not providing that kind of service here on the Connell & the Florence dot com. I thought I’d try to ease their disappointment by writing a wee poem to those messy girls out there.

Messy girls

I love your mess

I’d love to leave a mess on your dress

In fact I already have I confess

A Bill Clinton style of dress mess

Oh yes

Here are the questions from last night’s ‘True or False’ event on Twitter..

1. True or false? My chin is made of gas.

2. True or false? Mickey Rourke and me share the same set of shoulder blades.

3. True or false? Morten Harket from A-Ha scratched the lyrics of ‘Take On Me’ onto my retina with a tiny, tiny pencil.

4. True or false? When I get angry my thumbs swell to the size of chickens and all the blood in my body pours out of my feet, ruining my socks.

5. True or false? I stole all the rigor mortis from the mortuary last night and used it to power my vibrating water bed.

See answers below. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s been a while since I wrote a poem, so here’s one about Peter Crouch cheating on Abbey Clancy.

Hamburger and Steak

“What have you done?”
That is the cry you hear
She is beautiful
And he looks like a golf club with an overbite

Her name is Abbey
And just like Westminster Abbey
Is better
When an organ’s inside

That’s what they say
It’s not me being sexist
It’s them that say that
(The Scientologists)

Oh, Peter.
You look like a grief-stricken lamp-post
Why have hamburger
When you have steak at home?

Admittedly, the hamburger is younger
And has bigger tits.
That’s what they say
(The Scientologists)

And admittedly, a steak that lets you
do it up the arse
would be pretty rare.
Maybe medium-rare.

Fool, go to Abbey on your knees
Which would make you only 8 foot 2
And beg for her mercy
That Liverpudlian Angel
That goddess of the North
And ask her for forgiveness
And maybe ask her if she’s up for a threesome
Actually, no
Strike that
Just say sorry
In giraffe language

You look like a tapeworm in a suit
You look like a mobile phone mast with a toupee
You look like a steamrollered E.T.

I stood a bread bin on its side
And it looked like your face
So I shoved my boot into it
It made me feel a bit better
But all my bread is fucked

You are very selfish

“On ‘is ‘ead!”
They shout.
(The fans*)
Yes, ON ‘IS ‘EAD.
ON ‘IS OWN ‘EAD BE IT.
Get it?

THE END

*The Scientologists

Some of you were trying to look at Robert’s appearance on Charlie Brooker’s Gameswipe but all we had was the dead, all to dust, iPlayer link. We’ve added the video to the post, so you can watch it here.

It exists. It’s real. It’s here.

Did you ever listen to our Glasgow phone calls comedy (0141)? Do it. Just click the thumbnails.

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