“Grabbing Ladies” – An extract
Here’s an extract from my new book, “Grabbing Ladies”, a guide to getting yourself a woman.
If you’re reading this, then you’ve obviously had some trouble grabbing ladies. Now, grabbing ladies isn’t something that comes naturally, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Grabbing ladies is an artform. However, unlike snooker or darts, grabbing ladies is an artform that can be taught. So let’s take a look at the basic pointers of CATCHING A LADY’S EYES.
HOW TO CATCH A LADY’S EYES
1. ALWAYS HAVE A GOOD WASH: Ladies don’t like it when your thighs have rubbed up a good munk slick. It’s particularly bad if your arsejuice has mingled with the munk inside your pants and formed a paste. So, before heading out to grab a lady, get into a McDonalds toilet and give your nether regions a good puff clean under a hand-dryer.
2. CRIMP YOUR HAIR: It’s easy to find an electronic hair-crimper in any local Woolworths or Pennywise. Lay your hair into the shafts of the crimp machine and press down until you can smell burning. One look in the mirror and you’ll see the hair-do that women love best. Once crimped, you can spray Insette hairspray onto your face, for a waxy appearance.
3. LEAN ON THE KERB: You want to look cool for any passing ladies. Nothing looks more cool on a man than the pose of leaning over like you don’t care about yourself. The lowest leaning man will draw the most female gasps, so position yourself in a busy main road, and lean over with one hand on the kerb and your jaw inches from the gutter. If you’re struggling to balance, move your legs and feet in a panicky cycling motion, kicking up dust that will make the gravity around you heavier.
4. USE REAL EYELIDS: Other books and trend magazines will tell you that fake eyelids are all the rage, but there’s a range of motion that only real eyelids can provide. Fake eyelids, as you know, can only move along the horizontal, like curtains on a rail. Real eyelids also move up and down vertically, like the rope inside a forgotten belltower. If you want to wink at a lady, the vertical wink is far more unthreatening than the horizontal slide-wink.
5. FOUR GRUNTS, NO MORE: Over-grunting is one of the biggest reasons why some men will never grab a lady. The Golden Rule of catching a lady’s eye is FOUR GRUNTS, NO MORE. It’s important here that I clarify what I mean by a grunt.
UG UG UG UG is wrong. These are four semi-grunts. A double grunt is not acceptable. It’s not the 60s anymore!
UUGHH UUGHH UUGHH UUGHH is wrong. These aren’t grunts. These are acronyms for the Universal Underwear Guide: His and Hers. Avoid acronyms while wooing.
LA’TRACH! LA’TRACH! LA’TRACH! LA’TRACH! – Perfect! You got it! These are 4 textbook grunts.
If you follow these 5 steps, a lady will eventually glance at you. But what will you do once she has stared at you? How do you turn that look of horror into a lasting relationship? Read on, brave grabber!
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